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| Me |
You may not know this by looking at me but...
I have been living in foster care for 11 years or ever since I was taken away at the age of seven along with my two other sisters. I don’t really remember much but I was told that my parents were abusive, in to drugs, and alcoholics. So we got taken away till my parents could fix these things. Sadly these things never changed…
Anyways as a young child I remember being in school and having no friends, I guess because people didn’t know how to approach me and I had so many issues with trust. I was sent to many psychologists trying to figure out why I was the way I was. At one point I was sent to live in the hospital and as well attended school there. I always because of this felt like something was wrong with me. And had the feeling that I did something wrong.
I ended up living in a few beautiful foster homes with amazing people who loved me
and yet I didn’t see that; I used to steal and lie to them all the time and yet they continued to pour love in to my life. I remember asking “why”. Why didn’t they kick me out? I think part of me was so not used to the concept of love that I wanted to leave, and eventually I got my wish.
In high school, I knew I could have a fresh start. A new home and a new school; I could be whoever I wanted to be. I went through the first year of high school with honours, but still I had no friends. It wasn’t till grade eleven where things would eventually change. I started to hang out with my foster brother, He saw that I had no friends so he introduced me to his. We all started to hang out after school and we had a lot of awesome times, but I still felt hollow and empty. I thought that having friends was the answer to why I felt this way. Sadly it was not. We eventually started the partying and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Instead of playing video games and other doing other things we used to do we got wasted and got high. Being high off pot for the first time was at the time, the greatest thing ever I had experienced. I didn’t have to worry about things; I could just be happy. We all started to skip, get high and on weekends go to parties and get drunk. It got so bad that I ended up failing grade eleven along with all my friends. But I thought “you know what?” I don’t care! I was happy, or was I? Sure getting high was great but it left me feeling even worse from where I left off. I was depressed, feeling hopeless. I remember falling on my knees and just crying. I cried out for someone to save me from this hopeless abyss that I was trapped in, crying out for someone who I could talk about it with. I wanted a sense purpose for my life.
It wasn’t in till the middle of grade eleven when God would reveal himself to me. My sister and her friend Melissa, who works for Youth for Christ, invited me to a camping trip and because my sister was going I decided to go along. That night our group was sitting around a fire when a guy named Bernie started to share the Gospel with us. I don’t exactly remember all he talked about but I know that what he said the Holy Spirit was using it to speaking to me. It was like a sword had been driven though me entirety, my whole being. The next morning I was standing on the balcony of a house. I was looking at the most beautiful view when Monica, another Youth for Christ staff, asked me a series of questions that eventually led to me becoming a Christian.
I went back to school now in grade twelve. I still hung out with that same group of friends, still smoked pot and still got partied. I was letting it destroy me. Nothing I did changed, I was living for myself and not for God. I claimed to be something I was not, a Christian. I was faking my own suicide. I had the mindset that because I was a Christian I was free to do whatever. I was even more depressed and hopeless. I started to build a wall and a mask I could hide behind, to hide my pain and to hide my suffering. I was at the literally at the bottom. I never did contemplate suicide but those sorts of thoughts did consume me. I wanted to run away, ditch my life. People tried to reach out, they tried to help but I sought no comfort. I liked feeling sorry for myself for some reason. I had totally turned my back on God I had run away for him. I felt in turn God had done the same. It wasn’t until last summer there I truly started living for Christ. Melissa invited me to go on a mission’s trip to Vancouver East side with the Bragg Creek youth group. I was told that the trip would cost 300 dollars but that there was extra money and all the youth decided that the money would be used to pay for me to go. Melissa was told me we were going serve to homeless. I couldn’t be happier; I was looking forward to escape, to leave the city. So I went. After a long bus ride we made our way to the Lifeteam’s building. We were to served in different places every day and get up at ridiculous hours. Normally I would complain but I felt like it didn’t matter on what time I had to get up. I was waking up to serve others to bring difference in the world! This made me feel like my life had indeed had purpose. One of the places we served was Potters Place a street church right dead smack in the middle of east Hastings. I was told that we were going to sing to them a bunch of Gospel songs none of which I had heard as I didn’t go to church! I love to sing, so of course was nominated to be on the worship team. I was scared for two reasons: 1) I had never sung in front of anyone 2) and I did not know the words. I decided to wing it and just sang from the heart. I had never been so happy in my whole life! I felt joy! Another place we served was at Nightshift. Nightshift is a front line street ministry! What we were to do was Go around with a cart equipped with food and snacks, socks and various other things hand them out and serve the homeless community. I remember as we left to complete this task the very first thing we heard from a group was to “go away”; they were about to do their drugs and they didn’t want us to see. This hit me hard. They didn’t even want to be doing the things they were doing. They felt the same way I did. I secretly didn’t want to party or to get high but I felt trapped as they did. I felt like I needed escape from reality, the same way they did. Or I wanted to escape the reality that I had created. At one point Melissa took me aside and asked me how I felt seeing all this made me feel. She asked if seeing this reminded me of my parents at all. My eyes started to burn and tears fell from my face. Although it was a thought in my head, it really never revealed itself till someone asked. We continued to talk, and then she then proceeded to tell me that the extra money that the youth collected didn’t pay for the trip but that her and her husband had paid for it, that God had put it on their hearts for me to go. The tears started to fall. God had not turned his back on me as I thought! He loved me! In my heart fell on my knees and cried the words that God knew all along I knew: “Oh God how I needed you!” I had been running from the very thing that was trying to save me from myself. Love. The veil had been lifted! God had put me through what he knew I could handle, my whole life led up this point, and the suffering I endured was for this purpose.
"I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way.10 for the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There's no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death."
-2 Corinthians chapter 7 verse 8-10
I’m sure that while all these in my life happened, while I was suffering and in pain, God had indeed been in the same pain and was crying along with me, but He knew what the end result would be, and that is would be amazing, life changing and beautiful! God knew that I Needed to experience suffering in order to face my own emptiness and be read for His Love! I ended up being baptized at the end of the trip. I had found Salvation and true Love.
When I came back to Calgary I no longer wanted to party and get high and in turn those people I had done those things with started to leave my life. They had seen that was no longer the Ryan that they knew. He had died. I was a new person filled with the Holy Spirit. I no longer had any friends but God had better plans for me and I trusted him. Opportunities started to present themselves to me. An idea for a ministry had been put on my heart. I was to bring the Nightshift idea back to Calgary I was to get a cart and serve the homeless people of Calgary. I can’t even begin to describe how amazing that is; I mean, God could have picked anyone. He could have picked someone with experience with this sort of thing but no he chose me!I get to make the newly named “Tracks” my ministry! And a ministry with Youth for Christ Calgary! A cart has been made (it cost $5000 but i only paid $600.00) and though I won’t start this Ministry until I get back from completing Lifeteams I am uber excited!
A Ministry with Youth for Christ Calgary called Streetlight has decided to “shelter” me under its umbrella, so to speak. They also asked me to become a volunteer with them!
Streetlight If you don’t know is a mobile trailer that parks downtown and just serves Homeless youth, by giving them Food (usually taco salad) meaningful conversations as well as the opportunity to hear their stories is amazing. Now Speaking on God’s behalf is a daunting task at best! I mean Think about God Is asking you to represent him to tell people the reason for the hope you have. I have had some pretty amazing conversations, life changing on both ends. I have even seen and spoke with Youth I used to live with, kids I used to go to school with, youth that have tried to committed suicide, pregnant teens, youth who are addicted to drugs and or alcohol and the list goes on… I what kind of witness that was for them.
Though the association of the director of Streetlight I have been offered a job with Youth for Christ Calgary as an assistant to the director and as well as the opportunity to fully pursue God’s plan and call for my life
Everything is starting to take shape. God has taken someone who though he was worthless and
gave him worth, He has taken someone who has experienced pain and suffering and is going to use him and these experiences to tell other people of the beauty that is Christ! He has given someone who has been neglected and unloved endless Love. He had given the one who previously thought he had no meaning or purpose those very things! I feel like God has a plan for me! An amazing and beautiful plan, to change the world for a better place.
Jeremiah 29:11 11. For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
I just want to let you Know for those of you that don’t know Christ tonight that there is hope and I tell you this because I want you to experience the very same Hope,joy Love I have received in my life. My Life is a testament of just what God can do though his Grace! and know YOU arent outside His grace!
For God says, "At just the right time, I heard you. On the day of salvation, I helped you." Indeed, the "right time" is now. Today is the day of salvation.
-2 Corinthians 6:2(Originality made and posted on Facebook: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 )
My story before and after. what's your story? what do you honestly want it to be?
